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One indicator of your daughter’s readiness for autonomy can be how much and what kind of help she asks of you. Let her set the pace. For example, in the wardrobe arena, many mothers allow girls progressively more freedom and responsibility for their clothing choices. You may begin by letting your daughter pick out a T-shirt or belt while shopping with a friend. If she uses good judgment, you might then give her your blessing for a solo trip to buy an outfit for school or a special occasion. As your daughter becomes sufficiently secure in her independence, she will eventually seek out you and your opinions once again.

Because this approach is neither attuned to nor respectful of a teenager’s feelings and needs, however, it is likely to undermine a strong, positive mother-daughter relationship. In addition, a coercive style of interacting with daughters often provokes the very rebellion parents most fear. A teenage girl who is desperate to feel independent will go to any length to demonstrate that her parents cannot control her. This, of course, may include cutting off her nose to spite her face. You can prevent this problem by deciding that you will refrain from using these tactics and learn healthier, more direct ways to guide and influence your daughter.

In contrast, when mothers flip-flop from one position or parenting style or state of mind to another, girls are understandably adrift. Especially during adolescence, when girls’ bodies, friendships, and emotions are in almost constant flux, they need mothers to be their predictable ballast. Janel, sixteen, for example, spoke of never knowing how her mother would react when she came in after curfew: “Sometimes she gets so mad and says I’m grounded for like a year, and other times she doesn’t even say anything.

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